So someone sent me a link to this article, based on a book, about sex tips written for men by a gay woman. As much as I see that it’s well meant, and well intentioned, something about it really bugged me – and it’s similar to something I discussed a few weeks ago.
Women are not all the same.
Women are complex individuals, just like men are complex individuals. Women have as different desires, wishes, kinks, bugbears, irritations and dislikes from each other as men do. I get profoundly irritated by statements such as “women like X” or “it feels good when you touch a woman like Y on her Z” because you simply can’t make sweeping statements about all women based on what you think, or on what your experience of women in your life is, or if you’re a woman, on what you like. While you may indeed find a large audience of women going “YES this is ME and THIS IS WHAT I WANT” there’s just as many other women going “er, no. This doesn’t speak for me at all. Please stop.”
Take the first picture for example. The arrow pointing to her vagina that says “do be gentle”, and the statement in #6 about being gentle with the clitoris. This is a pretty individual thing. I know plenty of women that be like “gentle? Fuck that noise. POUND ME”. Also, sometimes you might want it gentle and slow, but sometimes you want someone to really go to town on you. Or take section 4 – “You must behave as if her vagina is the greatest thing you’ve ever smelled, tasted, and had the privilege to be near. She must believe that she is letting you eat the Cinnabon that is attached to her body.” Really? Maybe some women want that but to me that’s just plain weird. I’ve known women that *hate* receiving oral sex. And I am not going to pretend a dude’s penis is the most delicious thing I’ve ever been near and that I am privileged to be near it, why would I expect it in return?
Back to picture 1 – please, PLEASE, men out there do not think of this as a guide to what all women want. Not all women want you to look deep into their eyes when fucking. Some of them hate it. Not all women want you to be gentle with their breasts, or grope and smack their ass. Many might, and if a woman gives you this picture and says “here, this is a handy guide to what I like” then sure you’re good to go. But – and I am serious about this women being complex and diverse issues thing here – do not assume this is what all women like.
I had one ex who loved having his ears licked. I am not going to assume that every other guy ever likes having his ears licked. But this excerpt (and fair’s fair, I’ve not read the book, perhaps this article isn’t doing the book any favours) seems to suggest that you should never lick a girls ear. Some girls might love it, and that’s ok. It suggests you should always shower. But some girls get turned on by the smell of unwashed lion, and that’s ok too. I have a friend that LOVES being sent dick pics (only when she asks for them though. Not so much unsolicited.) so hopefully her suitors never take heed of #4.
There is some good advice in there – about trying things out, being intuitive, respect. But some of it gets so specific that it really doesn’t work as a guide to sex tips that ‘we’ want you to know.
So, being me, I thought I’d have a go at writing a less-specific-but-still-helpful guide to having super awesome sexy times. A friend offered to illustrate it, so then I *had* to write it. So here are…
Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess’s 9 super sex tips!
1) Ask me what I like
It can be a massive turn on when someone asks what you like to do, and then does it. Remember – asking doesn’t have to be verbal. If you find it hard to talk about sex then you can write notes to each other, do it by email or messaging. The important thing is to find out what the other person wants to do, and want they like to do, and what feels good. And work with that.
2) Tell me what you like
Just because other people you’ve been with have liked The Thing, don’t assume any other sexual partners also like The Thing. Each person is different. Sex should be about mutual pleasure – getting what you want and giving what they want. Again, if you don’t feel comfortable saying things out loud then you can find other ways of communicating. But what’s important is you let each other know what you like, what you want and what makes you feel awesome.
3) If I say stop, stop
Awesome sex is always consensual, and consent is continuous. Even if you’re right in the middle of something, and someone says stop? You stop. For example, if you’re in a close relationship with me and we’re comfortable with each other and I am saying ‘stop’ it’s probably either because a particular thing isn’t working for me, or because some part of my body is partially dislocating. It doesn’t really matter what the reason is though. Because if someone says stop, you stop.
4) If I say don’t stop, don’t stop
If I am saying “oh god oh god, don’t stop, yes, there, just there” then DON’T STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING. Seriously. I can’t tell you the number of times someone has stopped doing the thing they were doing when I’ve said don’t stop, and started doing something else, and I am like “what? No, wait? Why did you stop doing the thing? I was liking the thing.”
5) Ignore 3 & 4 if we have a pre-arranged kink agreement and those aren’t the safewords
Ok, this might not be
relevant to *everyone*, because not everyone has kink agreements or needs safewords. But I did want to include a tip that acknowledges that not all sexual relationships are as clear cut, and you might actually have a specific kink around saying ‘stop’ and the other person carrying on or saying ‘don’t stop’ and the other person does something else. Some people find this super sexy. See 1 and 2 for more information.
6) If 5 applies and I use the safe word, stop
Kink arrangements should be agreed on by both parties in advance, with clear guidelines over what is ok and what isn’t. And if someone says the safe word, then you stop.
7) Just because I don’t want to right now doesn’t mean i don’t want to ever
Sometimes people aren’t
in the mood. It doesn’t mean they don’t still fancy the pants off you, they just don’t feel like it right now this minute. Often one party can take this as a rejection and feel bad or frustrated or upset; but there’s myriad reasons why someone might not be in the mood that have nothing to do with you. Just be understanding and go make yourself a cup of tea or something.
8) Just because I want to right now doesn’t mean I always do
I’ve already covered this before, so I’ll just plagiarise myself. If someone said “yes” to tea around your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST WEEK”, or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT”.
9) Great communication makes great sex
The best sex comes from a place where everyone participating is present, and comfortable with what’s happening, and is enjoying themselves. The best way to achieve this is to communicate. Remember, communication isn’t just verbal; it’s about looking, touching, connecting, texting, winking. Being on the same level as someone, asking for what you want, asking what the other person wants. That’s where great sex starts. The rest is up to you.
Huge thanks to Iriini Kalliomäki for the fantastic original artwork. You can check out her blog here!